Your Stupid Minds

Your Stupid Minds goes back to its roots (once again) with the first foray into Hollywood(ish) by former football washout Brian “The Boz” Bosworth: 1991’s Stone Cold! The Boz plays undercover cop Joe Huff (under the alter ego John Stone) to infiltrate a murderous, terroristic biker group led by Chains Cooper (Lance Henriksen).

After some mild blackmail from the FBI, Huff/Stone goes undercover to bring a violent Mississippi biker gang down. After feeding his pet lizard (maybe a Komodo Dragon?), he heads off to The South’s Warmest Welcome to meet Chains, second-in-command Ice (William Forsythe), old lady Nancy (Arabella Holzbog), and token wuss Gut (Evan James) to bring down their drug dealing and general violence. Stone gets in deep when he gets feelings for Nancy, and makes up some elaborate drug buy with a limitless supply of FBI drugs.

Can Stone bring the gang down before their terroristic plans from to fruition? Will he get home in time to feed his lizard? Will Gut get the confidence he so sorely needs? Listen to find out!

Direct download: YourStupidMinds_112_StoneCold.mp3
Category:film -- posted at: 9:43pm CST

Your Stupid Minds returns to its Episode One roots and tricks you once again into think we’ve reviewed a Marvel movie that hasn’t come out yet. But alas, this isn’t the Benestrange Cumberdoc version you’re thinking, but rather a 1978 made for TV movie extended pilot made for CBS (and was never picked up).

The Nameless One, a demon puppet from the nether region, commands his subject Morgan LeFay (played by Arrested Development’s Jessica Walter) to kill the wizard Lindmer (John Mills) and/or his more powerful successor Dr. Strange (Peter Hooten). Fortunately for her, Strange doesn’t know the depths of his mystical powers, and spends his time picking up mentally unstable woman as a psychologist at a New York hospital. Despite the three day countdown to sudden death, Lindmer and his assistant Wong (Clyde Kusatsu) take their sweet time recruiting Strange.

Will Dr. Strange discover his special powers? Will he pick up a troubled psychology student half his age (Anne-Marie Martin)? Could 2016’s Doctor Strange possibly live up to this masterpiece? There’s only one way to find out!

Direct download: YourStupidMinds_111_DrStrange.mp3
Category:film -- posted at: 9:18pm CST

Your Stupid Minds delves into October with what you might expect: a 1980s horror sequel! Tom Skerritt (Picket Fences), Nancy Allen (RoboCop), Heather O’Rourke (Poltergeist), and Lara Flynn Boyle (Twin Peaks) star in this far-beyond-its-prime sequel, Poltergeist III!

Carol Anne (O’Rourke) from the previous Poltergeist movies now lives with her aunt (Allen) and step-uncle (Skerritt) in a high-rise building in Chicago. She attends a school for weirdoes because of her previous ghost experiences, and after her cousin Donna’s (Boyle) night of teenage debauchery, she’s kidnapped by ghosts. Her aunt and uncle try desperately to rescue her with the help from Tangina (Zelda Rubinstein, returning from the first movie) and the film jumps haphazardly from mirror-induced jump scare to jump scare.

Direct download: YourStupidMinds_110_PoltergeistIII.mp3
Category:film -- posted at: 9:11pm CST

Your Stupid Minds returns to two of its most favorite loves: buff dudes and Golan-Globus films. It’s 1983’s Hercules starring The Incredible Hulk’s Lou Ferrigno! Director Luigi Cozzi (hiding his intense Italianness behind the pseudonym Lewis Coates) brings Hercules to the big screen for the 80th and definitely not last time.

When the gods are hanging out on the moon and incredibly bored, Zeus (Claudio Cassinelli) decides to give a random baby super buff powers. Hera (Rossana Podestà) takes exception but Zeus never listens to her so who cares? Hercules’s parents are killed in a successful coup, but baby Herc escapes and is raised by a nice infertile farming couple.

Tragedy causes him to travel to Thebes to fight against other buff dudes, and he must team up with Circe (Mirella D’Angelo) in order to rescue his true love Cassiopeia (Ingrid Anderson) and battle against the evil King Minos (William Berger) and Adriana (Sybil Danning). That’s a lot of names so let’s just leave it at that.

Direct download: YourStupidMinds_109_Hercules.mp3
Category:film -- posted at: 7:39pm CST

YSM returns to the erotic thriller genre with the 2015 classic The Boy Next Door! Claire Peterson (Jennifer Lopez, in her third appearance on the podcast), is a pathetic high school classics teacher with a broken garage door and a cheating ex-husband when a buff-armed 28-year-old "boy" Noah (Ryan Guzman, apparently playing a 19-year-old) moves in next door. The two bond over their mutual love of the Iliad and he fixes both her car and garage door. They then engage in a night of "passion" after Noah refuses to take no for an answer. Then Noah is revealed to be a sociopath who is willing to murder Claire's ex-husband (John Corbett) and mid-level high school administrators (Kristin Chenoweth) if it means "winning" Claire back.

Direct download: YourStupidMinds_108_TheBoyNextDoor.mp3
Category:film -- posted at: 8:59pm CST

Your Stupid Minds goes back to basics with your standard sci-fi sexy police robot thriller. It’s 1994’s T-Force starring Jack Scalia, Erin Gray, and Vernon Wells. This is brought to you partially by Cinema Terriblé, Austin Texas’s premier bad movie meet up. T-Force was part of a recent double feature at the monthly get together and was a smash hit.

T-Force, a team of autonomous robots called “Cybernauts,” is brought in to break up a Die Hard style hostage situation. The team is made up of leader Adam (Evan Lurie), Captain America type Cain (Bobby Johnston), lady robot Mandragora (Jennifer MacDonald), American Gladiator Zeus (Deron McBee), and another one who dies.

Adam callously murders numerous hostages in the process and Mayor Pendleton (Gray) orders the team deactivated. This results in T-Force’s murderous killing spree in the name of self preservation. Cain doesn’t go along with Adam’s dastardly plan and teams up with Lt. Jack Floyd (Scalia) to stop them.

Direct download: YourStupidMinds_107_T-Force.mp3
Category:film -- posted at: 1:36pm CST

It’s a special guest episode of Your Stupid Minds featuring Kaitlyn “Nick’s Sister” Nobel, a devoted fan of the podcast and resident Toyota Previa expert. Kaitlyn’s pick this time around is for a 1996 movie starring Tom Arnold, David Paymer, and Rhea Perlman: Carpool! Out a few years after Tom Arnold’s massive alimony payout from Rosanne, as well as his modicum of success in True Lies, Arnold decided to squander his career by starring in a bunch of crappy movies.

Daniel Miller (Paymer) has a big advertising presentation, but his wife is sick! This means he must take charge of the carpool and get his wiener kids (as well as some other neighbor wiener kids, including an extremely young, bronzed Rachael Leigh Cook) to school. Things take a turn for the worst when he’s kidnapped by bumbling robber Franklin (Arnold) on the run from an army of incompetent law enforcement agents. Their journey takes them to a hair salon, parking garage, and inside a local mall! Can Detective Erdman (Kim Coates) and meter maid Martha (Perlman) stop the robber in time? Can we somehow get Tom Arnold in drag? Will the kids visit a creepy Joker-like indoor carnival? Listen to find out!

Direct download: YourStupidMinds_106_Carpool.mp3
Category:film -- posted at: 3:02pm CST

This is it, the big finale of our "great directors making horrible films" summer concludes with Walter Hill (credited as Thomas Lee)'s Supernova! Nick Vanzant (James Spader) is a newcomer to the crew of the Nightingale 229, a medical ship populated by actors on their way to television superstardom (in a decade). Nick and Dr. Evers (Angela Bassett) hate each other but then love each other, but a rescue mission turns into a total rip-off of It! the Terror From Beyond Space, when they save Troy, the son of Angela Bassett's old no-goodnik flame Karl (Peter Facinelli). "Troy" turns out to be a web of smug lies smuggling proof of alien life, a Georgia O'Keeffe-like contraption that seems to have strange side effects like increasing T-count and turning people evil, on board the Nightingale. Will sexy James Spader and Angela Bassett be able to jettison the space-scum before it's too late?

Direct download: YourStupidMinds_105_Supernova.mp3
Category:film -- posted at: 9:43pm CST

Your Stupid Minds continues its "great directors making terrible films" series with Richard Donner and Richard Pryor's unfortunate The Toy! Down on his luck Jack Brown (Pryor) is a reporter who can't get hired by the one newspaper in town because it's owned by a racist multi-millionaire (Jackie Gleason). After getting fired by Gleason after attempting to work as a "cleaning lady," Pryor does a physical comedy routine while listening to headphones, only to be inadvertently "purchased" by Eric "Master" Bates, Gleason's bratty son. What follows is a series of loosely connected vignettes tied together by Pryor alternately humiliating himself and getting upset at being humiliated by others like some sort of live-action Daffy Duck.

Direct download: YourStupidMinds_104_TheToy.mp3
Category:film -- posted at: 6:00am CST

Continuing our loose theme of Not-So-Good Movies by Great Directors, we have 1981’s sequel to the Roger Corman classic Piranha. It’s Piranha Part Two: The Spawning! Or Piranha II: The Spawning. Or The Spawning. Or Piranha 2. Or Piranha II: Flying Killers. “Directed” by James Cameron! In actuality, Cameron was brought in as a patsy and quickly fired so writer and producer Ovidio G. Assonitis could finish the project himself.

Anne Kimbrough (Tricia O’Neil) is a scuba instructor and marine biologist drop-out who teaches tourists how to deep dive at Hotel Elysium, a resort on an unnamed Caribbean island that is, for all intents and purposes, Jamaica. Her estranged husband Steve (Aliens’s Lance Henricksen) is on her case about all sorts of things, particularly the mangled corpse of a tourist found during one of her classes. Her breaking into the morgue to examine the body with new beau Tyler (Steve Marachuk) doesn’t help things either. The culprit is a school of homicidal genetically spliced flying piranhas, and everyone must find a way to stop them before the titular “spawning,” and event in which tourists get drunk and beat mating grunion to death on the beach.

Direct download: YourStupidMinds_103_Piranha2.mp3
Category:film -- posted at: 7:11pm CST